17 May 2014

Everything seems to be going wrong

I guess my mother is an enabler. I mean she'd smell me smoking weed as a teenager and say, "smells good!" In those days I though it was part of the facade that she needed everyone to like her, even 15-year-old boys. Now I'm not sure. I just had a huge fight with my girlfriend/wife/baby's mama. We are renting a house and are about to lose our deposit (a heft sum of money saved over years) because the house is going into foreclosure. It's a lot of money and I'm sick over it. For five years I've run a bar and saved money and now I'm about to lose all of it. Whatever. Money is money. It can't rule your life. She was telling me that I need to pay a fee to some guy who is trying to help us get the deposit back bit I'm so sick about losing the deposit I can't even begin to think about paying someone else. I rather smash his skull through a steel pole than pay his asshole fee. Fuck him. And fuck her for suggesting it at 6 am of the day I'm supposed to sell the bar. I remember Jordan Belfort had blue balls the day he was releasing the Steve Madden IPO. Well I had blue balls and was getting nagged about paying while being fucked for all my money. I was being robbed. At least that's how I see it. They were conspiring against me. Government, apartment owner, this helper, the lawyers, the court, and she was my last bastion of strength but she too now was telling me to pay. Everyone seemed to have their hands in my pocket. What the fuck? Who could take this. I raised my voice and told her to concentrate on my money not on paying these assholes. She got upset. Says I was out of control. Says I was going to hit her. I'm a lot of fucked up things--a womanizer, a hallucinogenic lover, a heavy drinker, a gambler, and a bulky, but I was never going to hit her. Bad enough I had yelled at her in front of my son. I wasn't going to compound that by having him watch his daddy bitch smack his mommy. I had to watch that as a kid and it was horrible. Since he was born I've never hit her. He's three. Even before he was born I only swatted her off while she was kicking me or holding a knife to me. I am loud. Loud as thunder in a hillside. I'm scary. But she says I raised my hand to her and I swear I didn't. 

What I'm curious about is why my mother doesn't think my behavior is all that bad, but my wife thinks I'm a sex addict, an alcoholic, a drug addict, and an abuser. Is it just wives want to be victims? Or does she see me clearer. I mean everyone I yell she quickly reminds me that I'm all those things. Well, why can't she help me. Why is it always that I sicken her. 

The question is how far gone am I? I definitely drink. I haven't been fucking other girls now for a while. I did when the baby was first born. A LOT. Now I'm cured. I'm trying not to drink much bi quit smoking. I guess I want somebody to tell me I'm doing a good job. Instead I get, "just go get one of your whores to suck your dick!"

I write back. "I'm sorry I yelled." And I am. Now nothing good can happen and all my hard work to be a good man is for naught. Also I'm still out thousands of dollars. 

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